Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant's Radio Show on xfm 104.9, London - Series 3
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Compiled by DELETE-TO-EMAILflare68@yahoo.com

Notes:

- the show was on hiatus from May to November 2003 while Ricky and Steve filmed the Xmas Special of "The Office"

- taped recording from Ian Steel



S03E01
Date: 2003-11-01
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Source: Tape
Notes: First show back; listed on xfm website as Season 1 Vol. 1

"All right? Here we are then... 1 O'Clock - we're back"
"The Boys Are Back In Town" - Thin Lizzy
"Talk then - someone should talk!"/Karl's got Mondays off/Has anything happened to Karl? - the woman over the road who he flashed has bought blinds
Ricky's laugh/squeezing Karl's head/make Fatty laugh - "every boy's fantasy" - woman who seduced 14 year old/oldest man in the world was Chinese - "This is what I came back for... this is two hours of absolute drivel from the brain of Karl Pilkington!"
Outkast - "Hey Ya"
Postal strike/potatoes/Karl's school diary
? - "?"
Cheryl Tweedy, nightclub toilet attendants
Questionaire on Karl's happiness
? - "?"
Two gay blokes on Karl's train/Shed Seven have split up/Knobnews: man with a penis on his arm
Rainbow - "Since You've Been Gone"
Not Rockbusters: "That Film Or Song Sounds Quite Good"/call in to annoy Karl
"I do this show to annoy you! I hate injustice - I fight it wherever I can."/Joe Cornish is 6' 4" - Steve is 6' 7" - "that's nearly a disability isn't it?" "There are some cars I can't fit in!" "I sit in a chair for very long and my back's killing me - how is that not a disability?"/Steve's teenage style. "I have seen people stare at you..." "It's more a stare of fear"/Monkey news: monkey living in an old people's home
That Film Sounds Quite Good: Gladiator - "Eva who won says she heard it on Christian O'Connell's Breakfast Show"
Limp Bizkit - "Behind Blue Eyes"


S03E02
Date: 2003-11-08
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Source: Digital radio, digital recording
Notes: listed on xfm website as Season 1 Vol. 2

The Darkness - "I Believe In A Thing Called Love"
Karl's in trouble with Suzanne for saying her haircut made her look like Dave Hill from Slade
The Smiths - "Cemetary Gates"
Can Steve get into Britney Spears at G.A.Y?
Outkast - "Hey Ya"
Karl seen a TV prog about a transsexual's operation/Kirsty's home videos
Clash - "Train In Vain"
Johnny Cash - "Hurt"
Professional radio like Terry Wogan/80s football shorts and Karl looking at strippers/Rockbusters: "The teletubby has got lice" - P.
Aimee Mann - "Red Vines"
Rockbusters: "I'm saving that money to buy condoms" - JC; When you're making some bread, add some colour" - D.
David Bowie - "Waterloo Sunset"
Planning a robbery in Saddam Hussein masks
The Thorns - "I Can't Remember"
The Strokes - "12:51"
Headlines from Ananova/world records: "You are the stupidest human being I have ever met." "Well... get me in the book."
Prince - "If I was Your Girlfriend"
Funny placenames/Chinatown/Rockbusters answers: Police, Johnny Cash, Dido/the Swiss in the war
Foo Fighters - "Learning To Fly"
REM - "Bad Day"
Karl's Film Quiz: "Kes"
Eddie And The Hotrods - "Do Anything You Wanna Do"
Ricky's annoying sounds/Monkey News: monkey's in chatrooms.
Mark Ronson - "Ooh Wee"
Who did the Swiss want to win the war?/"There are more moves on a chessboard-" "-than particles in the universe!" "That puts you off learning it, dunnit?"
Hawksley Workers - "?"


S03E03
Date: 2003-11-15
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Source: Digital radio, digital recording
Notes: listed on xfm website as Season 1 Vol. 3

REM - "Bad Day"
"Alex Zane is a pro..." - Ricky's short attention span
Thin Lizzy - "Don't Believe A Word"
Karl's comments about Suzanne/"The Office" in the VH1 Popular Culture Top 100
Badly Drawn Boy - "All Possibilities"
Ricky is too friendly with Jonathan Ross
The Kinks - "All Day And All Of The Night"
Outkast - "Hey Ya"
Rockbusters: "if you go to Chepstow you will" - S; "ET is upset - what's up with him?" - ME; "I had a tape with Humpty Dumpty and Hickory Dickory Dock and it got broke" - BR
Red Hot Chilli Peppers - "Future Faded"
Steve can't avoid posters for the show on the tube/showbiz friends
Blur - "The Universal"
50 "PIMP"
The gay carriage on the Northern Line/gay ettiquette
Radiohead - "There There"
Rockbusters answers: Seahorses, Missie Elliot, Busta Rhymes/Karl's been in Heat and refuses to go on TV again now
White Stripes - "The Hardest Button To Button"
Karl phoning the police in Manchester/witness protection/Karl on jury duty
The Specials - "A Message To You Rudi"
The Libertines - "Don't Look Back Into The Sun"
Karl's Film Quiz - "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest"
Pernice Brothers - "Blinded By The Stars"
Monkey News: Crime Fighting Monkey
Jane's Addiction - "Just Because"


S03E04
Date: 2003-11-22
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Source: Digital radio, digital recording
Notes: listed on xfm website as Season 1 Vol. 4

Kings Of Leon - "Molly's Chambers"
England winning the rugby/memories of playing rugby/Steve's glasses/moshing at Rage Against The Machine at Reading
Lou Reed - "Satellite Of Love"
Mobile phone message from Karl moaning about sorting things out
REM - "Animal"
Ricky's plugging "Animals" while Steve plugs "The Office" - "You've probably heard most of the stand-up observations on this show!"/Steve was accosted by a prostitute while on his mobile/Karl's views on Steve's looks - "Sorry Johnny Depp! Do you know what you look like? You look like... a party balloon... if you drew a little face on it and inflated it halfway..."
Evan Dando - "It Looks Like You"
Blur - "Out Of Time"
The show was sent some Pringles/Woman in Finchley Road station surrounded by snacks/Ivor The Terrible
The Smiths - "I Don't Owe You Anything"
Rockbusters - win "Animals" - "weak observations, poorly performed...": "I'm going to the North East" "What you going there for?" - S; "She's related to the man in the lamp" - G; "The Jamaican fellah would love to live there, but it's a bit pricey" - DS
Jet - "Roll Over DJ"
Transferring "The Office" to the US/Headlines from Ananova/filling in CVs
David Bowie - "Wild Is The Wind"
Travis - "Beautiful Occupation"
Best job you've ever had/jobs you wouldn't do/What's a proctologist?
Bob Dylan - "It's All Over Now Baby Blue"
Someone joined a vampire cult
Feeder - "Think About Tomorrow"
Rockbusters answers: Genesis, Dire Straits, Seal
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - "We're All In Love"
Karl's Film Quiz: "Pulp Fiction"
Badly Drawn Boy "Thunder Road"
"We'll try and sort something else out as opposed to Rockbusters next week..."/Monkey News: monkeys picking tea
50 Cent - "?"


S03E05
Date: 2003-11-29
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Source: Digital radio, digital recording
Notes: listed on xfm website as Season 1 Vol. 5

The Thrills - "Don't Steal Our Sun"
"You look a bit happier today... full of spunk"/Karl saw a sign for free buttplugs in Soho. "I can't believe we're already on this subject!"
Kiss - "God Gave Rock N Roll To You"
"She says it spices things up a bit... The end result is always the same so why bother... that's why I like short stories"/Karl is annoyed about being in Heat because his brother and sister could "come out of the woodwork" and he wants to avoid the hassle of having friends and family
David Bowie - "Lady Stardust"
Ricky and Steve saw David Bowie in the week; Karl's not impressed as he heard they messed with the songs/Karl's first gig was "Bottom" on a blind date - the girl told him she had a problem with her marrow so he didn't bother seeing her again
Libertines - "Don't Look Back Into The Sun"
Kings Of Leon - "Molly's Chambers"
Karl saw a programme on parasites: bloke with a leech up his nose
U2 - "Sweetest Thing"
Learning things: evolution/baboons waiting on tables in Egypt/Peter The Great cut off his wife's lover's head and put it in a jar in her room
Gary Jules - "Mad World"
More Peter The Great
No Doubt - "It's My Life"
Karl's film quiz: "A Few Good Men"
The Thorns - No Blue Sky"
Woman who opened The Office script may have committed treason/Pandora's Box/Karl's headlines/Second World War is not officially over
Outkast - "Hey Ya"
Demos sent in to xfm
Lynrd Skynrd - "Sweet Home Alabama"
Jet - "Roll Over DJ"
What school did Karl go to? Cecil Avenue, Manchester/"What's a Babylonian?"/bloke who left his skull to a theatre to be used in Hamlet
No monkey news: "If there's monkey news worth knowing, I'll know about it."
Ash - "Sometimes"


S03E06
Date: 2003-12-06
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Source: Digital radio, analogue recording
Notes: listed on xfm website as Season 1 Vol. 6

Jet - "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?"
"We have no monkey news, gay fella news or little Chinese fella news... we're going to try and leave that for a week." "Why do I get the feeling that withing 20 minutes we'll be talking about little gay, Chinese monkeys?"/Steve's radio show with the speakers in the bushes/Karl's hospital radio
Stone Roses - "Fools Gold"
Parasites: "I've just realised why we talk about Chinese people, monkeys and gay fellas."/monkey testicles: "In a way I don't get it... and if I think about it too much, it hurts a bit."
Feeder - "Forget About Tomorrow"
Existential questions and the universe: "They've made a map - it's massive. But if you're that lost... forget the map."/Richard and Judy/Look-In/a bloke went to the doctor about an earache and they took his tackle off
Gary Jules - "Mad World"
Snow Patrol - "Run"
Karl is right - but they didn't take the bloke's tackle off, they gave him a vasectomy/Boy who gave birth to his own twin and people ripping off the show/more rubbish from Karl: "When you say it like that, it sounds ridiculous..."/Monkey hospital/Donna Air's baby and the gorillas
Supergrass - "Late In The Day"
E-mail about 'Half-man, Half-biscuit'
Songs Of Phrase - "My girlfriend had a problem with her marrow"
Placebo - ""
The Thrills - "Don't Steal Our Sun"
Cranial sphereity/the war/England won the world elephant polo championship/Nelson's letters
Ryan Adams - "Wonderwall"
Radiohead - "Fake Plastic Trees"
Karl's picture in "Heat": "I captured the essential gimposity..."/"Let's try and get Karl in every publication..." "We'll you've managed it in the last two weeks."/Karl's news headlines/"What's art about that..?"
The Libertines - "Don't Look Back Into The Sun"
Songs of Phrase answers: Frank Sinatra, Prince, Bill Medley, U2, Dub Pistols, The Shirelles/Man who taught his dog to give a Nazi salute/German girls don't sounds sexy/Karl's film quiz: "Rain Man"
R.E.M. - "Bad Day"
Monkey news: the Monkey who drove in Formula 3 in South America


S03E07
Date: 2003-12-13
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Source: Digital radio, digital recording
Notes: listed on xfm website as Season 1 Vol. 7

Jet - "Roll Over DJ"
"Bit miserable today Karl..." Karl's getting two CDs for Christmas from xfm.
Elvis Costello - "Alison"
Xmas presents for Karl and Suzanne/Lanzarotti
Placebo - "Special Needs"
Counting fish/the birds and the bees/the boy who had a baby/baby with four legs
The Jayhawks - "Save It For A Rainy Day"
Ryan Adams - "So Alive"
Ben O'Sullivan - "Freelove Freeway"
The Beatles - "The Long And Winding Road"
Lanzarotti is awful/Old Rockbusters/Rockbusters: "I can't do any photos 'cos it's been nicked by a German": AC; "If you keep eating, this bit of your body will get bigger": PC; "That place where you take your dog for a walk... have a taste of it."
The Libertines - "Don't Look Back Into The Sun"
Tim Burgess - "Oh My Corazon"
"Lord Of The Rings" is rubbish
The Thorns - "No Blue Sky"
Fashion errors
White Stripes - "The Hardest Button To Button"
How many words in the English Language?
Rockbusters answers: Alex Parks, Aztec Camera, Phil Collins
David Bowie - Letter To Hermione
Words/Karl's flim quiz: Scrooge
Spearhead - "Everyone Deserves Music"
Snow Patrol - "Run"
Cheeky Freak Of The Year: girl who aged quickly
Aimee Mann - "?"
Monkey News: monkey on Aeroflot flight who got annoyed because they ran out of nuts: "You must know that's rubbish."


S03E08
Date: 2003-12-20
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Source: Digital radio, digital recording
Notes: Karl is away on holiday in Lanzarotti - Ian Camfield is producing; this show is not listed on the xfm website

Feeder - "Comfort In Sound"
Camfield
Oasis - "Merry Xmas Everybody"
Rock
Thin Lizzy - "Don't Believe A Word"
British Sea Power "Carry On"
Karl on holiday
The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl - "Fairytale of New York"
Bidets
Richard Ashcroft - "Check The Meaning"
John Lennon - "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)"
China
Radiohead - "There There"
Jonah Lewis - "Stop The Cavalry"
Steve is conned by two girls into sponsoring them for something non-existent
The Who - "Won't Get Fooled Again"
Rock excesses
Jay Z and Pharrell - "Frontin'"
The Darkness - "Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End)"


S03E09
Date: 2003-12-27 (Best Of)
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Source: Digital radio, digital recording
Notes: this show is not listed on the xfm website

Kings Of Leon - "Molly's Chambers"
Cranial sphereity and the Gulf War/elephant polo
Ryan Adams - "Wonderwall"
Fella in a coma for twenty years
Blur - "Out Of Time"
Placebo - "The Bitter End"
Best and worst job you ever had
Morrissey - "?"
Steve's new TV is too big
Wheelchair tennis: "Give 'em a game of Swingball"
XTC - "Making Plans for Nigel"
Radiohead - "There There"
Karl's film quiz: "Kes"
The Darkness - "Growing On Me"
Knob news: woman found a penis in her stew
50 Cent - "In Da Club"
Karl's headlines/world records
Prince - "?"
Homosexuality in Ancient Greece and Rome
John Lennon - "Hey Bulldog"
David Bowie - "Waterloo Sunset"
Galileo/a French bloke said women shouldn't wear trousers/woman with big eyelids
Coral - "Bill MacKai"
Karl's builder
The Specials - "A Message To You Rudi"
Jane's Addiction - "Just Because"
News: Japanese policeman who photographed up a woman's skirt/Karl saw a naked woman through his back window and dropped his shorts
The Thrills - "Don't Steal Our Sun"


S03E10
Date: 2003-01-03
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Source: Digital radio, digital recording
Notes: listed on xfm website as Season 1 Vol. 8

Kings Of Leon - "California Waiting"
Karl's had three holidays this year/Ricky's new year resolution is to be nicer to Karl
Joy Division - "Love Will Tear Us Apart" (Peel Session version?)
Karl in Lanzarotti: "there's nowt there..." - 36 volcanoes: "They've left the lava everywhere."
Tim Burgess - "Oh My Corazon"
Holiday backhanders/museums
Starsailor - "Silence Is Easy"
Turin Brakes - "Mind Over Money"
Baronmeters/sweatshops
Ian Dury and the Blockheads - "Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick"
More gays/Rockbusters: "Will you leave the entrance to me garden alone": GG; "Don't phone, but you can send a message on me mobile": T; "We were sharing out the male sheep and you got the best one": EG
Ryan Adams: "So Alive"
Blur: "Out Of Time"
Chinese/"Lord Of The Rings" is still rubbish
Richard Ashcroft - "Buy It In Bottles"
New year at Ricky's
Talking Heads - "Uh Oh, Love Comes To Town"
Rockbusters answers: Gareth Gates, Texas, Delta Goodrem
U2 - "Electrical Storm"
Snow Patrol - "Run"
Karl bought Suzanne a present for Christmas! But he'd spent more on her, so he made her buy him a game for his Gameboy at the airport/Steve's dad bought Steve's mum a nice bracelet for Christmas and wouldn't shut up about it.
Boston - "More Than A Feeling"
Placebo - "Special Needs"
New year's resolutions/"I like learning... on holiday I watched Discovery there and was watching stuff on scoprions and that." "What did you learn?" Well, nothing 'cos it was all in Spanish."/Scorpions/your soul weighs an ounce/Monkey news: "Victorian Ape Woman": "She had... 20 offers of marriage - does that annoy you Steve?"/"I was worried we wouldn't have the old magic in 2004m but we're still talking shit."
Travis - "Beautiful Occupation"


S03E11
Date: 2003-01-10
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Source: Digital radio, digital recording
Notes: listed on xfm website as Season 1 Vol. 9; there will only be two more shows before the show takes a break while Ricky goes to the Golden Globes, watches The Office US pilot being filmed

Snow Patrol - "Run"
Ricky has been looking for a new office in the West End
Joe Jackson - "It's Different For Girls"
Buying a computer and houses: "if it's haunted, they have to tell you."
David Gray - "This Year's Love"
E-mail
The Cure - "Man Inside My Mouth"
James Bond
Elvis Costello - "Oliver's Army"
Kings Of Leon - "California Waiting"
Rockbusters: "Don't be stealing my tools, take your sister's": NK; "Buy it if you want, I'm not fussed": SC; "That's good, I can play tenpin bowling again": O
The Thorns - "No Blue Sky"
Steve's glasses/Steve in the pool hall
McAlmont And Butler - "Back For Good"
Jet "Roll Over DJ"
Educating Ricky "Knob-body has been that lucky before": boy born without a penis, another is born with two, so they transplanted one to the other
Radiohead - "Bones"
Cavemen fact from The Office: "If it's all about arse, why don't gays like a bit of tit?"
The Coral - "Bill MacKai"
"I think it's fairly common knowledge that the dinosaurs and humans didn't co-exist." "Well who gave them all their names?"/Rockbusters answers: Nik Kershaw, Soft Cell, Outkast - "when I did my wrist in, I got it fixed and went ten pin bowling"
The Jay Hawks - "Bad Time"
Educating Ricky - "That Nelly Died": villagers made wooden teeth for an 80 year-old elephant
Placebo - "English Summer Rain"
Educating Ricky - "Get a load of that court case"
The Smiths - "The Hand That Rocks The Cradle"
Tim Burgess - "Oh My Corazon"
Monkey news: chimp in a lab learns to impersonate the lab assistant
Cream - "I Feel Free"
"I've got nothing to say after that ridiculous story. That's worse than the bank robbery to me."


S03E12
Date: 2003-01-17
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Source: Digital radio, digital recording
Notes: listed on xfm website as Season 1 Vol. 10

Red Hot Chilli Peppers - "Fortune Faded"
"For the last time time..." "We've said that before!"/Keeping a diary will always get you into trouble... Anne Frank: "hid in a cupboard..? If she didn't do that, I wouldn't know about her... I thought it was just like an Adrian Mole-type thing"
The Thorns - ""
What is Matt Lucas's favourite group? "The Proclaimers?!"/"Karl still hasn't got his head around Anne Frank's diary"/Old Mother Hubbard/Humpty Dumpty/Ten In A Bed/Emperor's New Clothes: "did anyone else buy one?"
Travis - "Writing To Reach You"
Humpty Dumpty was a cannon/"It's got a bit heavy..."/there are loads more verses of "Old Mother Hubbard"
The Delays - "Long Time Coming"
Old Mother Hubbard update/"Ten in the bed"
Jimmy Web - "Galveston"
Rockbusters: "The Jamaican fellow wrote a review for Phoenix Nights" - DC; "We should all vote for Paul Daniels, David Blaine, Copperfield, The Great Soprendo, Tommy Cooper and Derren Brown" - ES; "What did your dad do?" - E
Faith No More - "Easy"
Chinese farmer married a bloke
Coldplay - ""
Educating Ricky - "Is That Import-Ant?", "Werther's A Will There's A Way",
Ash - "Burn Baby Burn"
Steve's love life, bloke buried in a car park in Mansfield, "Going up Everest on a bike is easier than walking"
Kelis - "Milkshake"
Ryan Adams - ""
"We've had more requests for Karl to kiss Ricky's nipple than we have answers to Rockbusters" "It's not gonna happen... I've heard about things like this... I might enjoy it then Suzanne'll leave me 'cos I like fellahs"/Karl's interview for "Kilroy"/Rockbusters answers: Divine Comedy, Electric Six, Erasure
Neil Young - "After The Goldrush"
Educating Ricky - "Werther's A Will There's A Way": there's a pill that means an 80 year old can have a baby/"Hook line and good thinker": "they've been messing around with fish and found some with two heads"
Kings Of Leon - "California Waiting"
The Cure - "Pictures Of You"
Phone calls telling Karl to kiss Ricky's nipple/film quiz: "When Harry Met Barry"
Aimee Mann - "Red Vines"
Monkey News: monkey who was a cowboy/"would it count if you rubbed your nipple against his mouth while I held him down?"
Bruce Springsteen - "Thunder Road"